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Letter "M" » Mitch Hedberg Quotes
«My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?»
«That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.»
«If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.»
«At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9? I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| Keywords:
back room, back to back, dial, dials, hotel, hotels, Hotel I, hotel room, phone, phone number, quick, real number, The Dial, yeah
«On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...»
«Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| Keywords:
chicken, duck, ducks, for free, informed, ordered, ringing, rules of order, sandwich, sandwiches, Sandwich Is, sub, subway, touch down
«It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky...»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| About:
Dancing,
Funny
| Keywords:
funky, hey, song and dance, wallet, wallets, whoa
«This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg
(Comedian)
| Keywords:
dirty, dry, dry clean, dry cleaner, dry cleaning, shirt
«Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.»
«I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.»
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